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truth•a•hol•ic (trüth´ë´hôl´ik) n. 1 The relentless pursuit of uncovering and exposing the hidden meaning and true intentions of others through rationalization and analysis. 2 Having or showing strong reasoning skills and applying them in a quest for truth. 3 A cleverly constructed blog site containing witty dissertations about the truth in which each blog is appropriately titled with a line from a song and accompanied by a cute illustration. It’s an institute you can’t disparage…or can you?
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| I don’t understand the romantic fairy tale image people have (mostly women) about marriage and weddings. I don’t know why women are giddy with excitement when they are proposed to. I don’t get why the male has to lure and woo the female with a shiny expensive object to seal the deal. I always see movies where the girls are screaming and jumping with joy and everyone is dying to see the ring; it’s weird to me that people act like it’s such a big accomplishment that someone wants to marry them. 1. Why is the proposal/wedding/marriage so exciting for the woman? 2. How do you feel about having sex with one person forever? 3. If you’re already married, tell me: why was it important for you to get married? |
33 Responses to “It’s an institute you can’t disparage…or can you?”
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Hello. I’m married (for the 2nd time) so I thought I’d drop my 2 cents about it all (at least for me). But I’m probably not an expert cuz I consider myself sort of an anti-bride. First time I got married on a boat by a notary. Second time I got married in a sushi restaurant by my best friend who went online and got “ordained”. We had a dinner party wedding where we took a break between appetizers and dinner to watch us exchange vows that we wrote (mostly copied from a book I liked). It was intimate, casual and featured our favorite food. Why did I get married? Mostly cuz we were talking about buying a condo together and I think money gets complicated when you’re not married and we want to have kids and honestly, I know that I need the committment to force me to stick around some times. I have a wicked fight or flight reflex that could send me packing. Being legally married forces me to slow down a bit. And my husband is an independent contractor and can be on my health insurance now. But marriage is work and definitely not for everyone. I respect those that choose a differnet route. And girls that get all freaky about getting engaged (I proposed to my dude – well, in truth it may have been more of an ultimatum but anyway…) are silly. We all need to get used to the fact that there’s nothing in life that should be “all about us”. And spending an obscene amount of money on a dress that you’ll wear ONCE – insane doesn’t even begin to touch that one.
Hey Rockin Robyn!
thanks for your post. I love your honesty. I listened to some of your spots and you have the best voice! I have heard those commercials! I sing commercial jingles, maybe we’ll do a spot together someday
I cannot speak from the woman’s perspective on why weddings/proposals are so exciting, but I did have fun plotting mine.
My wife is Korean and her parents are fairly traditional, so when the day arrived when I knew I wanted to marry my (then) girlfriend, I ended up involving all my friends and also included her parents.
We masked the proposal as a family dinner and while everyone I talked to recommended against including the family, it was perfect for her and went according to plan.
Totally fine with sex with only my wife.
I’ve always wanted to get married, but felt like I never would. It was strange and I’d went through a lot of depression over the years. But I’m pleased to say that the right woman did come along and we’ll be married 6 years this year!
Hey Dennis
good to hear form you and I’m glad you and your wife are well! So your part of the 30% of the “good guys”lol. I read that only 3 out of 10 guys are faithful during marriage. You are a great guy!
S
“Love and Marriage” made famous by Frank Sinatra and used in the opening credits of the 80’s sitcom, “Married with Children” which incidentally made a great case against marriage. Which I’m sure was one reason behind using this title.
I think the only people in the world who should get married are the gays. It may prevent them from fucking random gays in the men’s room as they are wont to do.
Thoughts?
I’m male. Married. House. Dog. Steady job.
For the women (speaking from what my wife’s friends have said) getting married means that someone wants you — that you’re valuable. Yes, most women know that they’re valuable as a human being etc etc etc. Because of what marriage represents (lifelong commitment, all that jazz), the woman can now tell herself “I am loved and valued and blah blah blah.”
That said, anyone considering marriage should truthfully answer your questions and many more (particularly around finances…#1 reason for divorce ahead of sex). Marriage ain’t no cakewalk. The benefits are numerous (studies have shown better average health and average higher wealth), but it won’t work if you don’t step past the lovey-dovey stuff and get down to the idea that love is a verb, an action. Sometimes you decide in your head that you’ll love the other person no matter what.
That’s why it’s a commitment. That’s why it’s designed to mean more than just “we live together.” And I haven’t even brought faith into the equation, mostly because I doubt anyone on the internet wants to understand Christ’s role in the whole deal. (Hhhm…a Christian who hesitates to evangelize – how’s that for being human?!? Or maybe it’s because I’d rather have people consider these points w/o being distracted and thinking I’m some psycho bible thumper).
After your hard questions, the ceremony, the late night fights etc etc the sex gets better. In the ideal marriage, both people will feel comfortable enough to explore other things not tried before. The great part about that is that there’s little/no performance anxiety. No worrying whether (s)he will call back a few days after that night.
Why was it important to get married? Because I loved her and wanted her to be the one I grow old with. Personally I am terrified of the institution of marriage (and still am). Marriage represents consistency, and as a guy that’s not my favorite thing. However, the benefits far outweigh the cost in this instance. Sound a little like a business transaction? Yes, but that’s because I’m a guy. Overall (and not always) it’s the gal who thinks with emotion and the guy that is logic. I’m not that emotional, but I know a good catch when I meet her.
I’m an “old geezer,” going on 74 and had the good fortune to be married to my late wife for 42 years.
Our initial relationship was based on chemistry which bonded us very quickly and we were married 3 months after we met. That chemistry kept our love and passion alive for our entire marriage and it still lives within me, 3 1/2 years after she died.
There were several factors that “they” said would doom our union. One was that Jean was 7 years older; another was that we had different backgrounds, she was a Brit, born in Burma and was Church of England, I was born in The Bronx,NY, a son of Russian immigrants and a Jew; she had been married before and had a 4 year old daughter.
With those cards stacked against us, but armed with a deep passion for each other and for life in general, we rode the roller coaster of life, raised 2 happy children, retired from New York to Florida and enjoyed the last 13 yrs of marriage with the same, undying love and passion that we had when we first met.
I have become a product of that 42 year union, and realize how I have grown over that time into a unique combination of two loving souls. I would not trade that experience for anything, since Jean was worth all the treasure of the world to me, our children and to all whom she touched.
Hi Arlin,
What a sweet story. When you know it’s right, it’s right. That is a quick “falling in love” period. Sometimes 2 people just click and they compliment each other so well. Are you easy-going and understanding? Was she uncomplicated and easy- going? Just wondering ..I think people get too wrapped up in very petty differences. Most arguments seem easily solvable or at least an easy compromise but people get so heated and emotional all solutions get superseded by defensiveness.
1. Why is the proposal/wedding/marriage so exciting for the woman?
I don’t know, but that may be because my wife proposed to me — at a surprise birthday party, in front of twenty of our friends.
2. How do you feel about having sex with one person forever?
That’s a tough one; I’m sure everyone’s attention wanders, no matter what. At the risk of sounding cheesy, love is a lot more important – and harder to find – than sex. If you’re lucky enough to find love, don’t be stupid and act on your impulses.
3. If you’re already married, tell me: why was it important for you to get married?
It was important to me because it was the only relationship that didn’t feel to me as though I’d have to work to be someone other than who I was to keep things steady. It dovetailed too well to ignore how unlikely it was to ever happen at all.
well “arlin” what did you do? to get hitched after only 3 months? get this woman in the “family” way? was she divorced? if i was you i would’ve waited untill 6 months of planning or at least a year or 2 years. i met this guy whose birthday my was on the same day my mom had died. now i’ve been preposed to not once, but twice by the same guy. our wedding was to be on valentine’s day, but it’s been postponed due to finacial reasons. it’s been tentativley rescheduled for june or july.
I just wanted kids. The old biological clock. Being raised catholic you got married first and then had kids. Today anyone can have kids and not feel guilty about it.
You should get all the sex out of the way before marriage if you must have multiple partners…but that still wont keep you from looking at the best man and wondering if he is!
It’s exciting just planning a big party, dressing like a princess, getting LOTS of gifts and money and then taking a fabulous vacation.
I guess my answers are in reverse.
And I never did understand that song about Love & Marriage. And I absolutely HATED Married with Children which made me hate the song even more!
marriage is a great tax write off. but on a serious note I love my wife more than life itself and so look forward to growing old with hershe is my best friend and the only woman I want in and out of the bedroom. The only way I see a potential problem with my marriage is if she ever beats me in golf,so far that has not happened but dam is she determined.lol
Hey John
your one of the good guys! I’m so surprised that all the guys posts have been so pro-marriage. I’m also happy to see the level of deep commitment and respect you have for your wife.
congrats!
S
Skewed thinking, Mary. We married in three months because we were deeply in love. When we met she was separated and I took her to the airport to get a Mexican divorce. Had she been divorced, we would have married sooner. As to being in a “family way,” we had to wait for a year after our marriage for maternity benefits to kick in on my medical policy. We lived in Manhattan, planned and executed the wedding cooperatively with no complications other than not having any photographs come out.
I think you have some valid points about everything you said. I am married and once upon a time the thought of sex with one person forever seemed impossible. Now I am attracted only to my wife. So I guess those issues have something to do with when and to whom you are marrying. I think many people get married too young when they are emotionally immature and that is a big part of the problem. No one should get married in their 20’s and that seems to be the time when it happens the most. Our wedding was very cool becuase it was a reflection of who we both are. We followed almost none of the traditional wedding crap and it didn’t cost an arm and a leg.
Thanks Steve F, I agree you must have chemistry w/ the person you’re with. I think people need to wait until they are older to get married. Everyone matures differently so I think on constant is NO ONE should get married before 25 years old! That’s for sure! I love that you went an unconventional route with your wedding adn didn’t spend money like crazy. I think that is a waste unless you have money to burn
.
What’s a man to do. Spent 15 years playing baseball for a lot of cash and had a lot of fun on and OFF the field but when I met her I just knew. Afterall of the late night one nighters over the years and really not thinking twice about any of them I am now into her for 14 years and 2 great kids. I don’t miss any of the old times off of the field and I do still know that the others are out there and when I see them I look and that is it. My wife would cut my dick off if she ever found out that I cheated and I wouldn’t blame her a bit. As far as the coutship, it’s all fun and I had the chance to make it fun on my end so no it wasn’t just her day asImade it great for about 325 family and friends. What a night it was and it didn’t even end with her and I getting it on but wow have we made up for it ever since. Do we have our bad moments?, hell yea, but don’t you and every boyfriend that you ever had, hell yea. The older you get the wiseryou get and Ilook back at our big day as one that can never be taken away from her so it was great.
Hey Expro
See you played it smart and got all of your ya ya’s out before marriage.Lol. Were you around 30 yrs old when you got married? it seems like you’ve “lived and learned” and have made good decisions.
S
1. Why is the proposal/wedding/marriage so exciting for the woman?
Answer:
This one is easy. Look at the other possibilities and compare:
A. Having the bad luck of being born in a fanatical polygamist religious community you might not look forward to the prospect of being raped by a man 3 times your age (when you just turned sweet 14) and have absolutely no choice but to be one of a long row of brainwashed servants called wives to some evil pervert sadist. (recent news might help shed more light)
B. your parents and might decide it for you … when you’re a kid. commonly practiced arranged marriages in India leave you with no choice.
C. much of the muslim world allows polygamy and you might be sold… like a farm animal… to a man that would surly treat you like one!
D. and my personal favorite: black tribes in Africa still practice this method: man kidnaps and repeatedly rapes the woman he wants for his own until she gets pregnant. if he does succeed – she’s his.
2. How do you feel about having sex with one person forever?
Answer:
Considering that men are mortal and even in Japan (which has the highest life expectancy in the world, of just under 90) it wouldn’t be forever!!! If you get married in your late 30’s and due to lack of interest or physical inability, you stop having sex say… after 75.. that would be about 40 years or so of monogamy.
Variety of sexual partners as indication of a satisfying sexual life is completely overrated. Finding a partner that is sexually compatible is quite difficult. That’s why you experiment and have many partners before you find THE ONE. When you do find them you try to keep them happy and have them stick around for longer. And in any case you can always become swingers.
3. If you’re already married, tell me: why was it important for you to get married?
I’m divorced. It wasn’t important. It was important for my ex-wife.
Hey Marcin
great points..I am not sure these are the reasons women go ga-ga over a wedding, they aren’t thinking about ANYTHING bad and that’s what the problem is. If they did think of some of theses things going on in other cultures I think they’d be better off and more realistic about the whole thing.
take care
S
Well…first and foremost, marriage is a covenant. In today’s age of disposable everything-yes, especially relationships, this is unfortunately a foreign concept. You are making an important life agreement with the love of your life before God that you love this person and will do everything in your power to commit all you are and hope to be through your marriage.
Marriage helps one to always consider that it’s not always about “you” and prepares the path for the responsibility and committment of having children. Admittedly, this isn’t for everyone and should not be entered into lightly. It is my opinion though that not getting married makes it a hell of alot easier to just walk away without trying to work through issues. Been there done that.
As far as the sex part, I believe that society places far too much emphasis on this mind-blowing sex in marriage. If you really love someone, intimacy is special no matter what. Past loves, constant media barrages of what sex is supposed to be, porn, and all the other sex images one has stashed in their heads does nothing other than to act as a comparison base. Mmmm. That woman that I used to date could wrap both her ankles around her head while doing that bend, why can’t my wife? Blah, blah, blah…it goes on and on. People want to constantly keep uping the anty-if a two-some worked before to get you off, what does it take now? Three-way? Gang Bang orgy? I personally believe this is why our society is seeing so much perversion. Sex can be wonderful with one person.
As far as the marriage ceremony itself, I agree that it is way too commercial and expensive. For the same amount of money that I would have spent in a traditional ceremony, I flew a dozen of my closest family and friends down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for 10 days in an all-inclusive and came back and threw a huge Oktoberfest bash in fall (my wife and I are both German and spent some time in Germany) People should do what they want, not what society tells them they should do. If you’ve ever either stood-up for a few weddings in a single season or even just attended a barrage of them in a short time period, they get monotonous rather quickly. Make it personal and unique-just like your own special relationship!
Hi Steve,
Great to hear from you, thanks for posting! First..why in the world are you up at 5am!? Lol
Ok- so I agree with you about the wedding being overblown and that people should do what they want and not what their parents or society etc pressure them to do. I also totally agree that the medias portrayal of “great” sex is over rated. It can warp certain people to see raunchy images especially if you’re easily influenced or dissatisfied. I think many couples who’ve been together a long time ( like 15 years and beyond) watch porn and try to spice it up that way, and if it works for them and they can vacillates between having healthy sex and “wild” sex then good for them.
I still think that so many people STAY married because it is HARD to get out of and they fear being viewed as a failure instead of staying becasue they WANT to. I think it’s sad that anyone would stay in an unhappy situation out of laziness and fear.
face it, we’re all in love with the fairy tale. women want to be rescued by prince charming and taken care of … men want to be galahad on a horse rushing in to save the day. it’s the ILLUSION we’re in love with … not the institution. and the institution has all kinds of costumes and customs to keep the illusion alive, and comes with a pretty hefty price tag just to make it hurt a little. [which becomes even more exciting as you chase the dream.]
i’ve been married for 21 years. we called it quits once and separated for about 2 years, and then got back together again. no more illusions; it was our reality check on what we were really doing together. the only reason i got married to begin with was i was ready to have children. i deeply firmly believe that children’s rights include the RIGHT TO A MOTHER AND FATHER. i’m not [at all] a fan of three kids with three different daddies.the stability of marriage emotionally, psychologically, and developmentally for children i believe is very important.
as far as the sex with the same person question: from my personal experience i found that sooner or later they were ALL the same person, anyway! i didn’t get married until i was 30 and had a lot of partners before i got married. i woke up one morning and realized, despite the fact the body suit was different, the men i was involved with were all pretty much the same. some were a little more pleasing in bed, some were smarter, some more handsome — but face it, sex is sex, and no matter how creative you get it’s all pretty much the same end result anyway.
now, INTIMACY — that’s the trick! and it gets better the longer you do it with the same person. i’ve had sex with men i never knew, and it was fine as far as it goes. but i never had a deeply intimate relationship with a man until i got married. and for me, it took years to establish that.
Hi Hannalisa, Yep we are in love with the illusion. I so don’t get the girly -girl..white horse, being rescued…puke, gag! I know many buy into this. I think it is simply immature.
I’m not sure that all sex is the same. I think everyones energy is different and it can change the overall experience greatly. I do think intimacy is really important. One way to keep the intimacy doing it with some lights on and both people keeping there eyes open.
Sherri,
You hit a home run with this post.
I will defer answering the question here and propose another topic that has been on my mind.
What constitues a “hit” in the song business and what defines your success. I have listened, paid for and downloaded your songs. I enjoy them on my ipod.
There are many less talented singers than yourself that have fabulous success. I know you touched on this in one of your earlier columns about the “American Idol” post.
Thanks Jash!
I hope everyone read this-
Hmm, well I guess it’s that old saying “it’s not what ya know it’s who ya know.” The entire entertainment industry is an “old boy network” run by old rich pencil pushers that need to be fired. Grant it, many people succeed, who come from no where and work hard and it happens for them and they had no conncetions. Most of the success stories, either sleep w/the right person, knew the right person very well, or got in at the age or 8 yrs old and had a track record that made grandpa record-exec feel that the artist was ” a safe bet” to invest in. If the record industry focused more on talent and less on age, looks …etc we’d have less Britney’s and Pussy Cat Dolls and MORE “ugly” rockers with oodles of presence, grit and talent like Steven Tyler, Neil Young, Jimi Hendrix. Look at who America picks on American Idol all of the winners are average and some are kind of homely! America dossn’t REALLY care about an artists “looks” as much as the record execs think! Did you see the video Heidi Montag made? People laughed! People do like to “know” the artist they are listening to and that is why rality shoes work, becasue we get to “know” them.
Let me ask you something, do you think the “ugly” rockstars I mentioned above would get a record deal in today’s world of ridiculous standards? I wonder… I also think the music industry need to understand that we don’t BUY CD’s becasue the CD’S SUCK!! That is why we “download.” Record sales will NEVER be what they used to and they need to start re-structuring HOW they make money, but they also need to know that if they would be reliable and put out great records …you know a record that has more than 2 good songs on it and has more than 11 songs that sound EXACTLY like the “hit single” they’d be better off…..psst….any record biz people wanna hire me? You need me.
Thanks for your compliments Jash, I wish I had a happy answer, but then again I am a truthaholic and I had to give it to ya straight! Lol.
Sherrie
1. My guess it’s the “happly ever after” fantasy that seems to be programmed into thier impressionable minds early in age by marketing brilliance.
2. i am human, and I like sex. If my partner’s sex drive wont hold up, i will simply find another partner.
3. marraige satisfies our insecurities. it’s as simple as that…
Hey Jash,
Right there with you. Sherrie Rocks. The only reason she isn’t a rock star is because the music “industry” isn’t an industry that rewards talent, skill or experience. It rewards the relatives of the connected and then it spits them out when they’re no longer the flavor of the minute. Show’s like American Idol pretend to give “opportunities” to the average Joe/Josephine, but a closer look at what these “winners” take home in the way of pay and you’ll see exploitation that makes Monsanto look like Mother Teresa. If anyone posting hasn’t taken the time to listen and purchase Sherrie’s music, you’re missing a trip. I personally guarantee you’ll love her and listen often.
Thnaks Johnny
Have you seen me play out? Cuz you’re right, I fuckin’ rock…lol… my god I agree with you about the whole connections thing. I want aware that “Idol” is unfair to their winners. It’s not surprising. What are you comparing that to though? becasue I think they will never be able to give artistes what they used to nor should they if they want to stay alive in the industry.
Thanks so much for your compliments!
1. Why is the proposal/wedding/marriage so exciting for the woman?
For most women I believe that the truly just want to be loved by someone. They misinterpret the fact that the only true love has to begin inside of yourself and are always looking for validation from somewhere or something else that gives them evidence that they are worthy of love.
2. How do you feel about having sex with one person forever?
Honestly it sounds pretty boring. I have always been exited about the anticipation of sex with someone new. They build up of passion, the learning of eachother, passion, etc.
3. If you’re already married, tell me: why was it important for you to get married?
It actually wasn’t important until I had my son. Not only did I want to share his last name but be included in and building a strong family unit with he and his father. Unfortunately I apparently was the only one who thought it was important to keep the family together because my ex-husband cheated multiple times with people I also trusted and subsequently I have divorced him and we are trying to now work on a healthy co-parenting relationship for our son’s well being.
1. I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t proposed to. LOL. We just knew we wanted to get married. It was the week before Thanksgiving and he thought it would be a good idea to get married right after Christmas. It would have been easier because my brother was already in town. LOL. That was a whopping month away so we didn’t do that, but it was as simple as when my brother could come back down.
I didn’t really give a shit about some fancy proposal or huge wedding. It isn’t about the wedding, the proposal, etc., it is about the marriage and the life that two people build together.
As far as a huge wedding. We kept it very simple and inexpensive. Read cheap. I am fucking cheap. Right Sherrie? Ask her, she was at my wedding. LOL.
2. Sex with the same person forever…in the beginning of our marriage this seemed like such a romantic thought. LOL. Now, sometimes you wonder, you fantasize, I look, etc. I just don’t pursue and neither does he. We aren’t dead. Most of the time we people watch together.
3. It was important for me to get married because it meant a stronger commitment. I had already buried a fiance and was treated like absolute dog shit by some of his family because we weren’t married. How was it my fault that he was killed the night of the morning we decided to get married? I had also lived with someone after that and it was a disaster. It amazed me the commitment I thought we had and just walked out like a passerby.
It is much more than a piece of paper to me. There is a spiritual connection as well, but I don’t want to get into that stuff right now.
mel
Jean was a woman who knew her own mind, who had survived the Blitz in England during WWII and was as convinced as I that our chemistry was too powerful to ignore. Perhaps because we were both fairly mature, she was 35 and I was 28, had something to do with knowing what we were doing, but that mutual attraction held fast for our 42 years. Back in 2003, a year before she died, she submitted an article entitles “Cuddle trouble away,” to The Palm Beach Post. Her explanation for “our secret” to a happy marriage was, respect, devotion, caring, fidelity, sharing and touching. “We never go to sleep without a cuddle and kisses. We never part without a hug and kiss and after time apart, a welcome hug is always in order.” “Whatever mystical force brought us together was a gift from heaven for which we are eternally grateful.”
She was a hell of a gal and I count myself as among the most fortunate of men to have had her as my lover and companion for so many years.
I can’t wait to have sex with one person forever. Seriously.